This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
two words...techno handjob
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
try to milk me bitch
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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