I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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