We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
