I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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