how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
