The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
