i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
