I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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