My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize