Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
