yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
