Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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