if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
