Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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