my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
