dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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