im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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