i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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