You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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