Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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