he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
