we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
