I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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