from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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