I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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