Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
