this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
