she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
