My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Don't make out with my wife yet
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
