I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
