I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Dicks are not precious.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
