My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
