She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
