i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize