Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
