last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
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