Sorry, I don't speak sober.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Randomize
