then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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