I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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