I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
