OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
