end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
