Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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