yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
