Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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