im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize