I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
