So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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