Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
