I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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