I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
