WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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