is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
