gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
