I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
