Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize