I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Randomize
