yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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