Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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