we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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