so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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