Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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