my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
this is an emotional support booty call
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
