you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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