Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
