OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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