Banned from zoo.
Again?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
