Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
