She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
