I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Someone signed my nipple.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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