My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
