Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
