just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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